Quick note: I’ll be attending the Minneapolis Indie Expo this weekend. I just was told they had a spot open and I snapped that up. I won’t have any book 1 because there’s no time to order new ones, but I will have a few book 2′s, plenty of book 3′s and a few book 4′s.



Quicker note: Joe and Monkey won’t return any time soon. I need time to work, sleep, eat and draw which does not look likely in the near future. I’d love to be able to do this comic more often. I have years of stories laid out, but JaM doesn’t pay the bills, and the thing that does pay the bills is very busy.

Sorry for the inconvenience. Joe And Monkey will return on Monday.

As you may notice today’s comic did not appear as you thought it might have. Instead you must suffer through a horrible “Con Sketch.” I apologize for any confusion this caused, but not for the horror you are experiencing. I meant to cause that.



As you may know I spent the weekend hawking my wares at SpringCon, hosted by the always excellent MNCBA. I had a fantastic time hanging out with Lem and Aric and Paul Taylor right down the isle from Tyler Page.



I wasn’t going to write a recap of the excursion, however, Tom Brazelton demanded information. And whatever Tom demands I try to supply. So without further ado:



My Adventures At SpringCon



I arrived Friday night to drop the three truckloads of Joe and Monkey crap that I managed to cram into my Mini Cooper (which I recently purchased with the profits from my side job as a drug dealer). There I found Lem and Aric setting up their space. Somehow they managed to wrangle a table and a half, which left me with half a table between them and Paul Taylor. At first they refused to give up the table space, citing Manifest Destiny, but after some gentile coaxing with my knuckle dusters they relented and I was able to use their table and a half while they set up their half table before heading to the hospital.



After I set up my space I decided to celebrate by heading out to the Mall of America to steal stuff from jewelery kiosks, then headed home for some restful sleep.



Saturday morning I enjoyed my customary Sausage Egg McMuffin, Cocaine and Red Bull before heading into the State Fair Grandstand. After cutting in line to get my credentials I made my way to the table where I saw that Paul Taylor had already setup for the day. I noticed that he had Wapsi Square book 4 on hand, and I immediately bought one so I wouldn’t feel too guilty about stealing any leftover books at the end of the convention. A few minutes later Aric showed up, his eye back in it’s socket and his nose no longer bleeding profusely. Lem wouldn’t show up for another three hours. Not because he was still hurt, but because someone had tricked him into painting a fence. He related the tale and finished by proclaiming fence painting was indeed as much fun as he was told it would be. That being, not at all.



The rest of the day went generally well, although the convention floor was very cold (I decided I would have to find a way to stay warm before the weekend was over). I was able to sell a few items and I managed to keep the spitting on people who didn’t buy my stuff to a minimum. However, by the end of the day I felt that my table was missing that special something that would draw people in, and since I didn’t feel like paying some beautiful girl to stand at the table and pretend to be me I decided I would make a piece of art that would draw people’s attention and the money out of their filthy pockets.



As soon as the con ended for the day I headed down to the local coffee shop to draw that of which you read about in the previous paragraph, assuming you can read. The piece that I originally drew was so exquisite, so masterful, that if someone other than it’s creator were to see it they would immediately rip their eyes out, for nothing in this world could come close to matching it’s majesty. And why bother looking at anything if you’ve already seen perfection? That drawing was subsequently burned and a little part of everyone’s soul burned with it. You may have noticed a part of you die Saturday evening. That was my fault. You’re welcome.



The next image I drew was that of Joe and Monkey flying around space with Hal Jordan and Kilowog. It appears on the site as comic number 1101. You can look at it all you want without feeling the need to rip your eyes out, but feel free to do so if it would please you. However, don’t tell me about it.



After finishing the work I needed to print it, so I made the mistake of heading to the Uptown Kinkos at 2am. After dodging dozens of drunk idiots who were exiting the bars and deciding that it would be a good idea to walk into the street in front of oncoming traffic I managed to safely maneuver my way to Kinkos, where I printed out several dozen copies of the Green Lantern image on high quality 80ply paper and then robbed the store at gunpoint. Upon fleeing I hit three drunk idiots. No one survived the accident. Not even me.



The next day, after my Immortality Pendent kicked in, I made my way back to the State Fair Grandstand and setup shop for the final day of SpringCon. I proudly laid out my Green Lantern poster, expecting many “Ohh’s” and “Aaaah’s” from the unclean masses entering the convention hall. I received none, and proceeded to spit on people once again.



Later that day a gentleman who called himself “John” (which I assume is a pseudonym) stopped by the table, proclaimed his undying love of Joe and Monkey (as any true fan will), and asked if I would draw a sketch on a baseball. I commented that this is one of the most unique “sketchbook” concepts I have seen, and I told him that if he could score me a bag of Black Tar Heroin I would draw on the stitched sphere. He returned an hour and a half later with a baggy of Pigment and I drew obscene images of First Lady Martha Washington and President Abraham Lincoln experiencing the physical act of coitus on the ball. When finished I promptly burned the ball in a small fire pit that I had started using Lem and Aric’s convention gear. When asked about this I told “John” that I promised to draw on the ball. Not that I would give it back to him, and certainly not that I wouldn’t burn the ball after finishing the drawing. I then spit on him and he paid me, thanked me for my time, and left having learned another important life lesson.



Soon after the incident with the baseball I received an interview request from a man who claimed to be a journalist from Time Magazine. I accepted this request on the condition that I receive the interview questions beforehand. A few minutes later he returned with a list of questions. After reviewing the questions I told the journalist I was ready and he began the interview. After each question I answered using only one word. It’s a swear word. You’ve probably heard it before. It rhymes with “duck.”



The rest of the day was fairly boring, save for the fight Lem and Aric got into over who was taller of the two. Paul and I used the time to discuss many things, mostly related to Webcomics and who we like and dislike in the “industry.” Paul told me to keep his hatred of Danielle Corsetto on the DL, but I promised nothing. I told him of the fact that I despise Brandon J Carr. Brandon knows of this hatred, of course. I have told him of my loathing right to his face on many occasions and he has come to accept that he will never know the pure joy of having me as a friend. This conversation brought us to the end of the convention, where I managed to secretly steal Paul’s unsold books and replaced them with small rocks and pocket lent while he was in the bathroom.



After the convention floor closed I forced Lem and Aric to pack up my table and then threw everything in the dumpster out back. I do this every convention because I don’t want any of this stuff being traced back to me.



While walking to my car (a slightly banged up Mini Cooper) I had a nice conversation with Scott Gallatin where I learned many interesting things about him. One of those things being that he lives in Wisconsin. I told him how much this information sickens me and I then took a tire iron to his windshield.



After this I went to Taco Bell and ordered a Grilled Stuft Beef Burrito, a Chili-Cheese Burrito and something called a Baja Blast, then headed over to my webmaster’s house to watch pirated episodes of Doctor Who that he Tivo’d.



All-in-all it was an uneventful weekend and I’m glad it’s over.



If you managed to get all the way through this recap I applaud you, and may not spit on you if you mention this post if we ever meet. Note that I am not promising anything.

As some of you may have noticed, JaM has returned again. We’ll see how long I can keep this up. If you’d like to know what happens and don’t want to wait for the rest of the arch to be slowly posted I suggest you build yourself a Large Hadron Collider, find yourself a worm hole, and zip into the future. That’s where the final pages of the arch await you.



In other news, SpringCon takes place this upcoming weekend (May 15th and 16th) in St. Paul. I will be attending as will several other Minnesota webcomic artists. There you can meet us and buy stuff from us. I will have a limited supply of books and shirts along with some original art and my drawing hand, which may be able to draw sketches as long as I don’t break it punching walls. This will be one of the two conventions I will be attending this year. So if you want to see me then head on down to the State Fair Grounds because otherwise you will not be able to see me at all, for I spend the rest of the year invisible to the naked eye.



If you can’t make the show and would still like to purchase books and shirts you can do so here and here respectively. The Caution Dangerous When Awesome shirt is a great way to tell people what type of person you are without resorting to actually talking to them, because most people smell funny and you’d rather not have to be around them for too long.